There are times when I feel like I am somewhat numbed and sensitive to my surroundings.
There are times when I can’t just be happy.
There are time when I want to just let go everything, give up that is great in my life because I’m so emotionally exhausted from holding this painful baggage that I’ve been carrying for so long. I’m numbed because everything everyone is saying to me, I can’t feel it. I’m sensitive to my own thoughts, because I can simply switch from being fake happy to realistically sad.
I just feel like jumping off a cliff and say goodbye to this world. I need that support that I lack……
Things I learned about myself
I love to sleep. Sleep allows me to escape reality into a different world. Nightmare or not, it’s better than reality.
I have the tendency to drink alot. It’s an alternate way for me to cope with my own issues.
My adventurous personality comes from running away from home. Southern California is the last place I want to be in.
I have a some sort of dissociative disorder….I sometimes feel that I’m not in my body or I’m asking myself what is my purpose of being where I am.
I love physical pain. It’s a much better feeling than emotional pain.
Sometimes I want to take so much drugs that I can OD and leave this world.
If only you loved me as much as I loved you.
Relationships stabilizes me. No more broken promises and no more living up to expectations.
1) Be more confident when I talk to professionals. I know I pretty much analyze all the evidence and the attorney didn’t do anything. I just need to stop being so nervous and believe in myself when it comes to knowing my shit. Mostly when I spotted out all the suspicious transactions.
2) I need to balance my work life with my personal life. A big load of stress has been hitting me hard because I’m going to be taking the lead for this court case as well as being the office manager. So I need to find some “Me” time in there as well.
3) I need to find a therapist, soon. I obviously have some internal struggles and I need to have someone to let me vent. I’m literally depending on alcohol to help me with my problems and stress.
4) Be happy. I need to learn how to make myself happy, because I sometimes forget about my future and sulk in my past. It’s an ongoing battle and I need to make myself happy.
Although I am atheist and I do not believe in God. I feel like the devil is only inside your head, tempting to end your journey to find happiness with thoughts of suicide.
"You will get over it. This is a temporary thing."
Don’t ever say that to me when you haven’t experienced what I experienced my whole life. Try growing up with a mother who abandoned her own children to gamble, drink, do drugs, and sleep around. Try growing up with a father is who is never there for you because he is so focused on trying to get your mother back. Try growing up with a father who is so fucking blind to see that his daughters got fucking molested and almost raped by the a man they trusted their kids with. Try growing up with a mother that after she was confronted by her own daughters, she continues to keep in contact with that man and still doesn’t own up for her mistakes.
So don’t ever say this little “phase” I’m going through will be over because it’s an ongoing battle.
There are rumors going around that my boyfriend is still sleeping with his ex . I tried to confront him about it but he just kind of shrugged it off and didn't really say anything . What should i do?
It saddens me that I won’t be able to have a home in So-Cal anymore.
My cousin’s fiance is pregnant and they’re moving her stuff into my room and I don’t really have a place that calls home. They want me to take all my stuff out ASAP. Sigh….
Goodbye Socal for good. I knew this would happen… =/